With Deals Like This

With deals like this, on a website that peddles overstocked items, who couldn't make money? Buy low, sell higher. But is it really wise to tell them that you're doing that?

Back in the 60's I was a crossing guard. The Beatles were the rage and there was no lack of fans during Beatlemania. Early on, I would buy what amounted to "baseball cards" except for the Beatles. Hard piece of gum and all. I would buy them for $.05 and sell them for $.10 to girls that came by my crossing. It worked pretty good...for a few days. It didn't take them long to find out that I was price gouging.

Take It For A Spin

I was in Meijer's last week and saw that powered toothbrushes by Crest were 50% off. They are called SpinBrush and normally selling for $5 and some change. So I picked up a couple of them. One was the ClassicClean and the other Slim. The ClassicClean has a round brush on the end that spins, but Slim looks like a normal brush that goes back and forth. Classic takes two batteries and Slim 1.

After I get home, I read the information included with the brush.
* It has a replaceable brush head. Cool.
* Batteries are replaceable. Cool.
* After every use, remove brush head and rinse thoroughly. Wait a minute. Why can't I just leave the brush head on and rinse thoroughly?
* Due to normal wear, it is recommended that the toothbrush be fully replaced after three months of use. Wait a minute. Replace the entire toothbrush in three months? Then why does it even have replaceable batteries? I'm not going to wear the batteries out that quick am I. Oh, wait, that's for the brush that doesn't have the replaceable brush head. Do you replace your regular toothbrush every three months? I don't. The dentist gives me one every six months, so I just use mine till I get a new one.

What I've found out since I've purchased them.
* I went back to purchase another Slim and almost all the Crest SpinBrushes were gone. It's like they were liquidating stock. I guess when you are liquidating you put stuff on sale for 50% off.
* The SpinBrush of Crest has been sold to Church & Dwight.
* It was Dr. Johns Products that developed the spinbrush not Crest.
* The round bristle on the end doesn't really spin. It "oscillates back and forth".

I'm so disillusioned I may just go back to my brush brush now that I've taken the spinbrush for a spin.

I Want To Get Physical

You would think that you might be able to tell something about the job based on the Physical Requirements section of a job posting.

Physical Requirements:
Stronger than a locomotive. Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Faster than a speeding bullet.

Those are pretty straightforward physical requirements. But what about the following that was recently posted with a job posting?

PHYSICAL REQUIREMENTS
Sits, listens, sees and uses hands to grasp, handle or feel 50 to over 75% of the time.
Pulling, pushing, walking, carrying and talking are required up to 50% of the time.
Must be able to lift 0 pounds frequently and up to 40 pounds up to 25% of the time.
Must possess close, clear vision at 20 inches or less, ability to see and discern colors, peripheral vision and depth perception.

So, does the "uses hands to grasp, handle or feel" belong directly with the 50-75% of the time? I might want to know first what I'm grasping, handling or feeling before I commit to this job.

From the description, it seems that I'll be sitting, listening and feeling something half the time and the other half of the time I'll be pushing it, pulling it and talking to it. Maybe it's a parent to you, but it's not apparent to me.

And what's up with the ability to lift 0 pounds frequently? Anyone not able to do that?

Maybe it's the fault of government and regulations that require us to boilerplate our job descriptions so that our butts are covered if someone decides to stick it to us. But really, wouldn't the following be more helpful?


PHYSICAL REQUIREMENTS
The ability to operate in a normal office environment. On occasion must be able to lift items weighing up to 40 pounds.

Then again, that's not as entertaining.

Birdie, birdie in the sky

Every time there is a bird in a direct vertical relationship to me this poem comes to mind.

Birdie, birdie in the sky.
Dropped some white stuff in my eye.
I don't cuss. I don't cry.
I'm just glad that cows don't fly.

The other day as I left the office to meet some previous co-workers for lunch I heard a flock of birds chirping. A little unusual for this time of year I thought. I looked up and ahead aways and there was what looked like a scene from "Birds" right above the sidewalk that I was headed down.

I wondered about the wisdom of walking under all those birds but thought, "they're just resting. It's when they take off that things begin to fly." As long as I didn't rouse them, I should be fine.

As I passed underneath, I felt something hit the top of my head. It wasn't an acorn. Something more in the form of liquid I thought. I didn't put my hand up there to rub it through the wet spot. What if it was bird poop? I trusted though that perhaps it was melting snow or something from the tree. It didn't feel thick enough to be bird poop.

Could you imagine though going to lunch with old friends with bird poop on your head? The waitress glancing occasionally at the top of your head. Then back to the office with your fellow workers.

That night as I brushed my teeth Barb asked, "what's that white stuff in your hair?"

House, A Rest?

I'm now ending what has essentially been four weeks of "house arrest" and the irony is that the crime was committed against me. For the last four weeks it's like I've had an ankle bracelet that would notify the authorities if I walked any further than the mailbox. There were times early on I wouldn't even venture that far. Toward the end of the sentence I did receive some reprieve and was allowed to go out to a restaurant for a meal, chaperoned of course.

For most of this time, I have worked from home. Ah, the benefits of being in Information Technology and having a high speed internet connection at home. Many of you probably think that working from home would provide me a great opportunity for rest and major benefits. Yeah, I guess so. It certainly saved on the time I would spend getting ready for work. I could sleep in longer since I didn't have a 15 minute commute to work. I still showered, shaved and dressed for work. It was nice having a fully stocked kitchen nearby for a snack or lunch. The down side is that I didn't take up as much time in breaks. Usually at work, I would take a morning break. Not so here at home. I didn't have the 15 minute commute home from work, but that meant that I should probably begin preparing the dinner meal. So, working from home wasn't a big rest from work. It was an enjoyable experience under the circumstances but I am looking forward to getting back to a normal work environment.

Endnote: We have eliminated one of the usual suspects. Mon Bureau has been cleared of any involvement in my attack.

The Usual Suspects

I was attacked and left barely breathing. My assailant came from out of no where and I didn’t see him. When medical professionals saw me they moved quickly. My hypoxic condition called for an immediate CT scan, blood work and bronchoscopy. Before I knew it I was in a hospital gown with family and my pastor around me. Would I make it? Was I on my way out? Soon they had placed a surgical mask on me and were wheeling me down the halls. Once we made it to the operation room, my mask came off and theirs went on. Soon the anesthesia had kicked in. Through the anesthesia I remembered struggling to breath and the nurse telling me to swallow. The end was near.

For the next two hours I babbled nonsense while Barb and her mom attended me. Despite my proclamations that I could drive home, Barb drove me home in my dazed state.

Now that I’m on my way to recovery, it’s time to identify my assailant so that appropriate action can be taken. The professionals indicate that my assailant was Aureo Basidium (Sounds foreign to me. I wonder if he’s an illegal.) and that he undoubtedly had an accomplice.

The usual suspects are presented to me.
Mon Bureau (sounds French)
Tannenbaum (German I think)
Nick Pallow (Sweedish)
Humi DeFier
Kahm Pohst
Woody Pyle

I recognized each of them and found it had to believe that one or more of them could have been an accomplice in my attack.

On a daily basis I’ve worked with Mon Bureau could he possibly have turned on me in recent days?

Nick Pallow a recent friend with whom I spend significant time. Could he have simply been gaining my trust in the months before the attack?

Humi DeFier one of Barb’s friends who initially stirred up some dust but had settled down prior to the attack after we had started serving him distilled water.

Kahm Pohst has been around for a couple of years, but we’ve never had him in the house and I’ve not spent any time with him since the weather has turned cold.

Woody Pyle has been around for years and we occasionally invite him in to share a warm fire with us. But it had been weeks prior to the attack that we’d had any contact.

Tannenbaum we invited to come live with us just after Thanksgiving. He was a welcome guest up until the day after Christmas when we kicked him out of the house. It was shortly after his departure that I was attacked. Unfortunately he was picked up for vagrancy and will probably not bee seen again nor will we have the chance to question him regarding the attack.

Aureo Basidium is most certainly the one responsible, but he could not have done it without an accomplice. He will never be caught, but if we could identify his accomplice we could keep him from another attack.

At this time there is not enough evidence to charge any of them as accomplices in the attack. From this point forward though I will be keeping a close eye on each of them and at the first indication they may have been involved I’m taking them out.

$15 Blanket

Back in 1997 we took what was our "last family vacation". This was before Emily and Andrea graduated college or became married. We spent a few days at Disney World. One of those days we spent at Epcot Center. At the end of that day we were waiting around for the final laser light show. Despite being Florida, it was getting cold. I slipped into the Mexican pavilion and purchased a $15 blanket which then all four of us huddled inside as we watched the laser light show.

During the last three weeks, this blanket has been my companion much of the time. I'm sure I looked the stereotype of a senior citizen sitting in my recliner with a blanket covering me.

Thursday we bought a $200 blanket. The thing about this blanket though is that it will only last ten days and then it's gone. Why would anyone buy a blanket that's only going to last 10 days and at the price I paid? I was told to. My pulmonologist prescribed an antibiotic that was basically a blanket to cover a multitude of possibilities.

I'm not sure anyone will really know if this $200 blanket will have done any good considering that it's probably a viral pneumonia that has plagued me. But I do know that my $15 Mexican blanket has provided me with warmth and comfort and will continue to do so long after my $200 blanket is gone.