Friday, July 25, 2008

He ventured forth to bring light to the world

I enjoyed this piece and thought that I would share it with those who might read my blog. The original post can be found at Times Online.

He ventured forth to bring light to the world

The anointed one's pilgrimage to the Holy Land is a miracle in action - and a blessing to all his faithful followers

And it came to pass, in the eighth year of the reign of the evil Bush the Younger (The Ignorant), when the whole land from the Arabian desert to the shores of the Great Lakes had been laid barren, that a Child appeared in the wilderness.

The Child was blessed in looks and intellect. Scion of a simple family, offspring of a miraculous union, grandson of a typical white person and an African peasant. And yea, as he grew, the Child walked in the path of righteousness, with only the occasional detour into the odd weed and a little blow.

When he was twelve years old, they found him in the temple in the City of Chicago, arguing the finer points of community organisation with the Prophet Jeremiah and the Elders. And the Elders were astonished at what they heard and said among themselves: “Verily, who is this Child that he opens our hearts and minds to the audacity of hope?”

In the great Battles of Caucus and Primary he smote the conniving Hillary, wife of the deposed King Bill the Priapic and their barbarian hordes of Working Class Whites.

And so it was, in the fullness of time, before the harvest month of the appointed year, the Child ventured forth - for the first time - to bring the light unto all the world.

He travelled fleet of foot and light of camel, with a small retinue that consisted only of his loyal disciples from the tribe of the Media. He ventured first to the land of the Hindu Kush, where the

Taleban had harboured the viper of al-Qaeda in their bosom, raining terror on all the world.

And the Child spake and the tribes of Nato immediately loosed the Caveats that had previously bound them. And in the great battle that ensued the forces of the light were triumphant. For as long as the Child stood with his arms raised aloft, the enemy suffered great blows and the threat of terror was no more.

From there he went forth to Mesopotamia where he was received by the great ruler al-Maliki, and al-Maliki spake unto him and blessed his Sixteen Month Troop Withdrawal Plan even as the imperial warrior Petraeus tried to destroy it.

And lo, in Mesopotamia, a miracle occurred. Even though the Great Surge of Armour that the evil Bush had ordered had been a terrible mistake, a waste of vital military resources and doomed to end in disaster, the Child's very presence suddenly brought forth a great victory for the forces of the light.

And the Persians, who saw all this and were greatly fearful, longed to speak with the Child and saw that the Child was the bringer of peace. At the mention of his name they quickly laid aside their intrigues and beat their uranium swords into civil nuclear energy ploughshares.

From there the Child went up to the city of Jerusalem, and entered through the gate seated on an ass. The crowds of network anchors who had followed him from afar cheered “Hosanna” and waved great palm fronds and strewed them at his feet.

In Jerusalem and in surrounding Palestine, the Child spake to the Hebrews and the Arabs, as the Scripture had foretold. And in an instant, the lion lay down with the lamb, and the Israelites and Ishmaelites ended their long enmity and lived for ever after in peace.

As word spread throughout the land about the Child's wondrous works, peoples from all over flocked to hear him; Hittites and Abbasids; Obamacons and McCainiacs; Cameroonians and Blairites.

And they told of strange and wondrous things that greeted the news of the Child's journey. Around the world, global temperatures began to decline, and the ocean levels fell and the great warming was over.

The Great Prophet Algore of Nobel and Oscar, who many had believed was the anointed one, smiled and told his followers that the Child was the one generations had been waiting for.

And there were other wonderful signs. In the city of the Street at the Wall, spreads on interbank interest rates dropped like manna from Heaven and rates on credit default swaps fell to the ground as dead birds from the almond tree, and the people who had lived in foreclosure were able to borrow again.

Black gold gushed from the ground at prices well below $140 per barrel. In hospitals across the land the sick were cured even though they were uninsured. And all because the Child had pronounced it.

And this is the testimony of one who speaks the truth and bears witness to the truth so that you might believe. And he knows it is the truth for he saw it all on CNN and the BBC and in the pages of The New York Times.

Then the Child ventured forth from Israel and Palestine and stepped onto the shores of the Old Continent. In the land of Queen Angela of Merkel, vast multitudes gathered to hear his voice, and he preached to them at length.

But when he had finished speaking his disciples told him the crowd was hungry, for they had had nothing to eat all the hours they had waited for him.

And so the Child told his disciples to fetch some food but all they had was five loaves and a couple of frankfurters. So he took the bread and the frankfurters and blessed them and told his disciples to feed the multitudes. And when all had eaten their fill, the scraps filled twelve baskets.

Thence he travelled west to Mount Sarkozy. Even the beauteous Princess Carla of the tribe of the Bruni was struck by awe and she was great in love with the Child, but he was tempted not.

On the Seventh Day he walked across the Channel of the Angles to the ancient land of the hooligans. There he was welcomed with open arms by the once great prophet Blair and his successor, Gordon the Leper, and his successor, David the Golden One.

And suddenly, with the men appeared the archangel Gabriel and the whole host of the heavenly choir, ranks of cherubim and seraphim, all praising God and singing: “Yes, We Can.”

Monday, July 21, 2008

The Smell Of War

The king decided that he had little choice left but to enlist the services of Conibear The Mighty. He stationed Conibear at the entrance to the tunnel that Chuck of the Wood had made with the orders to kill anyone who dared pass in or out of the tunnel. It saddened the king that it had come to this.

Before long the report came to the king that Conibear had followed the kings orders. The king went to the southern border to verify that the report was true. The king found there the lifeless body not of Chuck of the Wood, but of his wife, Charlene of the Wood. The king was told by his advisor's that he should not release the services of Conibear and that Chuck of the Wood would likely come to the tunnel before long.

The war on the southern border seemed to be increasing. The king rested uneasy but knew that he could not back down or his kingdom would be over run. Why, later the same day that Conibear had fulfilled the kings orders, three of the enemy "of the Wood" had been seen in neighboring kingdoms.

As the morning sun prepared to rise on the kingdom, the king woke in his bed to the smell of war. He feared that another contingent had joined forces with Chuck of the Wood to lay siege to the kingdom. The king dressed as a pauper and journeyed to the southern border. On leaving the castle the smell of war was no longer in the air...until the king approached the border.

There from a distance he could see Conibear with another enemy in his clutches all but lifeless. The king knew that he must let Conibear finish the task and that any interference by the king could lead to dastardly consequences. Later that day, a coded message came to the king. "The kitty is dead". As the sun traversed the western sky, the king himself oversaw the burial of the one who had put up such a stink in battle with Conibear. The king ordered the tunnel filled and retired the services of Conibear.

May the dead rest in peace and their grave be un-desecrated. May there be peace on the southern border.

Thus it is written in the allegories of our leader.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

All Four One

It had been quiet in the kingdom of Heir-Olde for some time before the king noticed an intruder into the kingdom. The intruder was well adorned and quick on his feet. He on more than one occasion had peered through the big glass wall into the kings castle. This Munksketeer was soon to experience the wrath of the king. The king knew that a weakness of a Munksketeer was a certain delicacy. So he arranged to entrap him leading to certain death. What the king did not know was that the Munksketeers had a motto, "One for all and all for one". This though worked for his advantage, for not only was the intruder ensnared in his trap, three others as well. This pleased the king.

There had been During this same time, another attack on his kingdom was being waged. Chuck of the Wood had positioned himself just out side the border of the kingdom and had dug tunnels. The king feared that these tunnels would lead to his kingdom so he ordered that the 4 Munksketeers executioned be taken to the opening of this tunnel of Chuck of the Wood and placed there as a warning. The king fears though that Chuck of the Wood will not be deterred until war is waged and then enemy vanquished. A call is being sent out for one who will slay Chuck of the Wood. Who will come forth and take on this Whistlepig?

Thus it is recorded in the allegories of our leader.

Sunday, July 6, 2008

Strawberry fields forev....

I was munching on some All-Bran Strawberry Medley cereal (Crunchy bran flakes & squares with granola clusters & real strawberries) and decided to read the box to pass the time. I'm sure that we all are familiar with the fact that the ingredients start with the highest percentage and then work their way down. So it's not surprising to see Whole grain wheat, Wheat Bran and sugar as the 1st three ingredients. The fourth item was a Berry flavored oat cluster which was contained "Strawberry flavored apples". Coming in number seven was the Freeze Dried Strawberries. I guess I was a little surprised to find the "Strawberry flavored apples" higher in the ingredient list than the strawberries themselves. I'm not even sure why they couldn't have used actual freeze dried strawberries in the Berry Flavored Oat Cluster instead of apples flavored to taste like strawberries.

It's amazing what you find out about the food you eat when you read the ingredients.